Saturday, January 10, 2009

Heartbreak and the Nice Guy

One of the problems Nice Guys have is maintaining a healthy relationship. As female approval defines a Nice Guy’s life, he tends to be needy and clingy. This pushes the girl away and then he is heartbroken. This is a pattern I have observed with many Nice Guys.

Here is a quote from a guy (and my response) that was relating his problem of recovering from a break up. He had all of the typical Nice Guy behaviors – need for female validation, neediness, a lack of control, etc.

Nice Guy: The way things broke off really damaged my self esteem -- I just didn't measure up for her, and she didn't really care about my aspirations at some point.

That’s because she does not like you.

I don’t mean to be harsh. But sometimes we guys come up with a thousand different rationalizations rather than just facing the obvious. (I have been guilty of this many times.)

This story is one that has been repeated a million times.

She starts with a high interest level in you. Over time she starts to get bored. As she starts to pull away, you become insecure and needy. This further repels her as women naturally are attracted to strong and confident men. She eventually meets another guy and they become “just friends”. Then one night she has sex with him. She tells herself that this was totally unexpected because she is really not that kind of girl – the emotions just overwhelmed her. Then she starts desiring him and feeling resentful towards you. At this point you notice she is no longer sexually or emotionally responsive towards you. You panic and become more insecure and needy. This further pushes her away. Finally, she gives you the dreaded “we need to talk” line. During this talk she will typically tell you that she will always love you but she just needs some time to sort out her feelings. You end up angry and heartbroken. She ends up in the new guy’s bed that night.

That is the pattern. I have seen it a million times.

Nice Guy: I need to build my self esteem/self-confidence, lose my fear of loneliness, lose the panicky sense that I need to find a girl to validate me and support me the way she did, and start to plan my future without catering to someone else.

Build you self esteem independent of a girl’s approval of you. Find your passion in life and follow it.

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